Hi everyone -
I got married this summer. Twice actually. First, in the US. Then again, three weeks later in Switzerland. Six weeks after that I officiated my brother's wedding.
Three times in two months, and from both sides of the altar, I proclaimed what I believe to be a good marriage.
That’s a lot of thinking about marriage for a guy who spent more than a decade skeptical of the idea of getting married.
And I was not alone. Much of my Millennial generation and younger hold similar views of marriage.
I read recently that more than half of Gen Z does not see the purpose of marriage and 60% of them do not see relationships as necessary to the plot of movies. They don't understand how a lifelong relationship is valuable or essential to their formation. I guess they are all the stars of their own lone-wolf hero flick.
I felt something similar for most of my 20s. So, what changed for me?
I suppose it was that classic story about everything changing when you meet the right person, but not in the way that you might think. Marika and I did fall quickly and deeply in love, and I think our decision to get married is quite romantic, but it has nothing to do with the classic conception of true love.
II
Writer Henrik Karlsson describes relationships as “coevolutionary loops.” I love this definition. It gives a beautiful eloquence to the idea that Marika and I based our marriage mission statement on and the “wisdom” that I hoped to impart during my brother’s wedding.
Every relationship will change us, hopefully for the better. Even toxic relationships can make us better if we can find the lessons about ourselves through the chaotic tornado that some people seem to bring everywhere they go.
In describing a coevolutionary loop, Karlsson tells the story of Darwin when he was sent a newly discovered orchid with a nectary as long as his forearm. He wrote about it to his closest friend, botanist Joseph Hooker, "Good heavens, what moth can suck it!"
Darwin rightly assumed that some pollinator must exist with a proboscis long enough to access the nectar. For such a creature to exist, it must have evolved in dialogue with the orchid.
For both the moth and orchid to become such extraordinary outliers, they needed the urging of the other.
This type of urging is marriage done well.
III
A marriage partner, more than a lover, co-parent, and confidant, is someone who pushes your evolution into places you didn’t know were there.
This means helping you grow in all the superficial ways that we typically think of as personal growth. They are sandpaper to your rough edges so you can more easily slip into the unique grooves that only you can fill. They will show you hidden capacities that you couldn’t find in yourself and they will urge you to develop them.
I don’t mean to say that your spouse should be like a life coach or therapist who is actively identifying your errors and helping you “fix” yourself. There will, of course, be some of that, and you will return the favor.
But the coevolutionary urging that is at the heart of a good relationship is much more subtle and much more powerful.
When we live in constant dialogue with another person who is equally committed to the same aims we become like the moth and orchid. Each becoming an extreme version of themselves. We express something that was always inside of us but required their urging to blossom.
Deep down, we all have a weirdness that defines our gifts. The stories that only we can write. The tools that only we can wield. The creation that only we can make.
A lifelong relationship creates the comfort for your weirdness to thrive. Marika knows all of my weirdness. She doesn’t love me in spite of it. She doesn’t even love me because of it. She is a co-conspirator. She embraces and amplifies it, then reflects it back so that I can become even weirder. I do the same for her.
My younger self could not understand the paradox that to become yourself—reaching the most extreme level of you-ness—you need other people. It terms out that being our “authentic self” isn’t a solo project.
The purpose of life might be to find the person, people, and ways of being that urge you to grow an absurdly long proboscis.
Thank you for reading. You are likely receiving this email because you previously subscribed to Inspired Human Development. This is Extracurricular, my new writing home. I hope you’ll stick around!
If you are curious what I’ve been up to since Shane and I stopped publishing at IHD (besides getting married 🥂), stay tuned for my next few posts. I have several projects in the works that I’m nearly ready to introduce (including some new collaboration with Shane!). I wrote the above essay in reflection after my weddings and I thought it would be a fun way to welcome you all here.
My favorite part of writing online is the connection it brings to like-spirited, like-minded, and like-valued people. That’s all of you! In many ways, we are linked in a coevolutionary loop as well.
I’ve sincerely missed the interaction with all you and I’m excited to be back after a nearly 18 month hiatus of sharing writing online. I hope that you will comment or reach out privately. What have you been up? What ideas are filling your head? Any new projects you want to share or great books to recommend? Or just introduce yourself if you never have.
All replies to this email are routed directly to my private email. I read and reply to all of them.
Keep pushing!
Justin
Absolutely. Are you ever closer to SoCal for business or ?
Justin-nice piece. My view of marriage is after one divorce, but nonetheless after almost 32 years of matrimony (and 2 children) is very different than the marriage relationship you describe. You just spurred me on to writing the next ‘article’ on my channel, The Twilight Reckoning. I would love to share our views in more depth someday over a cup. In earlier posts, you helped explain the challenges of writingcraft--I loved the ‘self-talk’- ‘note to self’ description. For me--it’s like I THINK when with people--I use my words---trying it out as it were. I’m just as shocked at what comes out as whomever is in earshot. Gets me in trouble often, but like a baby at 9 months--it has to come out!--Hope you’re well and hello to Marika.